Three Wise Men

A Festive Treat as

The Wise Old Geezers

bid to be this years' Village Santa(s)

"Andy. Salt of The Earth. No. Better than that. Salt and Vinegar of the Earth. No. Salt, Vinegar and Ketchup of the Earth. With Salad on the side. And Chips."

Wise Words Indeed.

Mrs Julie Flinty-Pete voices concern

Local Lady of Leisure

Mrs Julie Flinty-Pete,

when asked if she could shed any light on the

Andy / Des / Gun Club incident,

said: "Well, it's quite a to-do and no mistake"

Obviously troubled by the incident she went on to add

"a large Merlot please"

Des Spotted on Hill

OOOooooo! Crikey. Something Ain't Right!!!

Ye Fine and Ancient Village Gun Club

were out in force when word went out that Des had been spotted strolling on High'n'Over

New Snug Man Andy said:
"I'm not Bitter. No. Nothing to do with me. No, not bothered, no. Not in the slightest. Just because Des has lost his marbles. No. I laugh in the face of adversity. Ha Haa. Ha Haa Haa. Haaaa Haa. Ha Ha ha hooo. Ha Hooooo Ha Haa. Hooo. Heee Hah ha ha hee. Hooooo Ha ha Hoooo Hah!"

OOOooooo! Crikey. Something Ain't Right!!!

Continental Sex Tips

Following a cultural trip to Amsterdam, Chef John pictured here, demonstrates the new position.

Mikey was too agitated to comment

Hypno-Wizard Spook Therapy

Absent Landlord Des has been subjected to the famous

stop smoking hypno-wizard styly spook therapy TM

"It's been a great success" says Des

and went on with the mad claim "Three hours later, and still no cigarette."

The New Des.
Pictured here (left) with the lovely Kate.

A happy Kate added

"It's the same old Des, but a far less stinky version"

Supportive locals.

"Eh? Puff smoke is what we do. He's lost it. Next you'll hear is that he'll be off to... Wilmington!"

The First Valley Miracle

As reported recently, Barney was the only student at Lumberjack High without a hat.
Well good fortune has come his way......

A delighted Barney claims it to be the first valley miracle

"After racing through through the valley one night I found it

mysteriously hanging from my front bumper!"

Tis The Season to be Jolly

Mr Mikey is Married

MANY CONGRATULATIONS TO MR AND MRS MIKEY

Second chef Mr 'Drummer-Boy' Mikey has finally tied the knot. After an engagement of several hours Mr Mikey, 14, has married the girl of his dreams Mrs Mikey, 13.

Mr Mikey pictured above giving a loving Chinese Burn to Mrs Mikey.

Nobby Gets Help

Hairy Backed Nobby has found salvation in the guise of the village Lovey Rachel.

'The sight of that Hairy Ape has brought shame on the village for years and it's time someone stepped in bring his reign of terror to an end.'

With this in mind Lovey has launched the first village

WAX BACK AND CRACK service.

By Appointment Only.

Andy of the Plough and Harrow: 'Don't ask me, I'm never here'

Sarah-Jane Don't Go! Oh, Sarah Jane Don't Go!

Village Funster Sarah 'Jolly' Jane

is to quit

The Moon Sown Seeds and Strange Music Shop.

'Ironing, ironing and more ironing' is her happy mantra that will be missed by all.

When asked of her future plans she simply mumbled 'Ironing, ironing and more ironing', though we all suspect something was left unsaid.

Ex Busines Partner Nicky (pictured here with close friend Peaches) was heard to say:

'She'll be missed, Yeah B*ll*cks! Never ironed a Bl**dy Thing around here! Bl**dy B*ll*cks. Yeah Bl**dy B*ll*cks!! B*ll*cks!!'.

Nicky had tears in his eyes.

The Star Launches Tranny Service

Following the wild success of their '10 Minute Oil Change', The Star Inn and Asylum, in a desperate bid to compete with the Plough and Harrow have launched 'The Tranny Service'.
Pictured here Star Manager, Ms Peaches Foundation, said 'Local Cross Dressing originated here. We have a cross dressing heritage dating back to Waterloo where we played a vital role in supressing the trend for French Crimping'.



Local historian, Flinty Pete, confirmed that 'there are no records of French Crimping in the area'.

Fairwell Dull Dave

Painfully Dull Dave has gone.

Pictured here shaking hands with himself.

Harvest Festival Supper Ruined by Deranged Lunatic!!

An Angry Lunatic kicked down the village hall door and launched into a frenzied stream of abuse and threats.

To a chorus of boos and farty noises the evil blathering hot head was removed from the premises.

It was later revealed by an expert that the Lunatic was in fact 'probably suffering from gas'

Barney at Lumber Jack High

Many congrats to Barney for getting into Lumber Jack High.

Class of '06 pictured above. Oi! Barney where's your hat!

Steam Gismo is Big Pants

As reported only last week, the Glamorous Folk on the hill Chris and Tizzie were pictured in Joyous Steaming Mode.

Sadly Gizmo Steamer has 'pressure backup problems'...

And their house ... blew away.

Chris was heard to exclaim "Typical, huh?!"

Nobby's Dream

The Rabbit Fuelled Car is set to make trigger happy Nobby a very rich man.

'Vermin, they're all Vermin'

Newhaven Incinerator, No Campaign 2

Maisie The Activist Dog ..... "there's chicken bits in here too"

Newhaven Incinerator, No Campaign 1

No ban on a Steam Pipe

Those fancy folks on the hill and the new Steam Pipe Gizmo.

Three Legged Dog heralds 'a safer snug'

Landlord Des sickened by 'scrabble playing water drinking time wasting whingers' has introduced the three legged terror 'Bobbie' - on loan from The Manor House. 'This'll shake 'em up'

Left: Bobbie with 'Big Hand'n'hair' Des sporting a relaxed afro. Nice.

Bus service: "Crazy Talk"

Valley Bus service comes to the defence of its drivers

On hearing that every vehicle parked in the valley has now been hit by the bus, a spokesman for the service aged 116 said:

"The drivers are not all dangerous blundering careless lunatics! Some are, yes. Not all, no. That would be crazy talk. Madness complete madness. I hear this all the time, it's crazy. Completely Bonkers. Utter tripe. Zippy flaming zannie-a-zong-zong. Chirpity chirp chumpin' sozmix. Ring-a-toot-a-doo bo. Hoot zoop. hootie zoopie. hoot. honk. Honk. HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK...........".

Late Night Chemist comes to village.

The Plough and Harrow Family Fun Day was a huge success.

Star attraction Pharmacy Tom seen here in his trade mark bowler kicked up a rhythm storm assisted by Wilmington 'Party Hat' Tim.

The Women Only Paper Hat Game turned ugly when First Prize was awarded to Snug Club Law Man Abbie (pictured bottom left), who dismisssed the altercation as ''simply a matter of handbags at twenty paces".

Doctor Emma's Choco Plug

Local beauty Doctor Emma has launched The Choco Plug. Pictured above with an early prototype. Simply dip in warm milk for a dreamy choco drink/lolly.

"I'm delighted with the success of my 'Plugs'. They've proved amazingly popular with the locals, though many claim that 'they make walking difficult'."

Dr Emma of the Plough and Harrow

Delighted locals: 'Delicious, nutricious and liberating'.

Glove and Apple Share spells disaster for Cuckmere Chumps

Cuckmere Chumps 3 : Livery Ladies 17

.

The Cuckmere Chumps suffered defeat at the annual Frog Firle Rounders Match at the hands of the Livery Ladies. "I feel utterly retched" said Richard, pictured here sharing gloves and an apple with Karr O'Line of the Livery Ladies.

Snug Club Launch TransGender Knitting Circle

Following the 'muted' success of the Book Club. Snug Club Members have been exploring the combined delights of cross-dressing and cross-stitching. Landlord Des, pictured centre, said "Finally I can shift that 'job lot' of Pop Socks".

Birthday Shock! - Flinty Pete Grows Two Beards in Record Time.

A Litlington Village record was broken earlier this week when the popular party game 'Fast Beard Fast' was won (for the 76th consecutive year) by Flinty Pete, in a time of 37.42 seconds, 17 hours faster than the previous record.

Double Beards have become increasingly popular in the village amongst The Fast Set and Barman PC Dave, 16, said "This stylish trend is set to take village by storm"

Quick thinking saves sword

The unwholesome alliance of heat and high spirits causes Sally's sword swallowing trick to go really rather badly wrong. Quick thinking Graham, with no previous experience of matters surgical, managed to retrieve the sword. Details withheld to save blushes.

A smiling Sally 23 said "Both tonsils and appendix were removed during the procedure".

Lawn-Surfer Head Wave

A big welcome to Charlotte 'Crazy Eyes' Chattelbroom who is hoping to bring 'a taste of Ginger' to the village. She is seen here with West Dean village wildcat Brian sporting a Lawn-Surfer head wave. Both are wearing edible neck furniture.

MUGGY turning CLAMMY

SNUG 3 PLOUGH 17

Match Report: The strongest set of referential cohesive links could be found in the game and the game’s most important elements: a total of seven supra-sentential cohesives; two mediated ties, (which could only be resolved by referring to a previous essential ie. that exophoric reference crucial to our understanding of who The Striker is), and; an anaphoric reference of conflict between cohesive links of the demonstrative reference and coherence in the form of exophoric knowledge of football.

Weather: Muggy turning Clammy.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Crikey - take a close look at these beastly nasties doing the rounds in the valley.

GARDEN CLEARANCE

MY ARSE

HEALTH WARNING: Do not approach. Useless dimwitted crooks.